I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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