We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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