so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just sucked dick on a ferry
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
