I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I am naked and annoyed.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
