I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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