if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
50% drunk capacity currently
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
