i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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