I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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