They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
