went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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