I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
