Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
