my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
