Pregnant stripper...not hot.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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