My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
40s are totally the cure
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
