i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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