thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
