You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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