Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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