you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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