Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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