Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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