good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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