I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
