I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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