Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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