That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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