if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
