So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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