i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
