I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
