There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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