I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
