My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
