So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
