I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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