Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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