I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
