hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
