you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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