I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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