Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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