the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
