For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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