woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
