I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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