Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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