how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
