omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
