Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
