I faked an abortion last night.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
