Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
